Buyer Beware...You're in For a Scare!

I love Ebay. I have purchased many useful and hard-to-find things on Ebay, from books to video games. And not much else. But there are other people out there who do buy other things on Ebay, and praise Jebus for them, because without them, I wouldn't have stumbled across a treasure trove of hilarity last week.

All you need to do to laugh for hours is search Ebay for the word "haunted."

Item number 250232059682: Haunted Jack antenna ball MUST GET RID OF IT !!!!!!


When I lived in California I saw these all over the place. Jack-in-the-Box isn't bad, but their mascot is dumber than Ronald McDonald, so why a ghost would want to inhabit one of these things is anybody's guess. Let's see what the seller has to say:

I put it in a drawer and would wake up the next morning to notice that the drawer had opened and the Jack antenna would be laying on the counter. I know it wasn't taken out by anyone else cuz I live alone. I know maybe it could be my grandmother letting me know she's watching over me but it FREAKS ME OUT !!!!! So PLEASE help me get this out of my house !!!!

Aiiieeee! Things outside of drawers! My greatest fear! I am, after all, exokibotophobic.

The seller is offering this for the bargain of $.99 US, with free shipping! This suggest to me that someone might actually be stupid enough to believe that a Jack-in-the-Box antenna bobble is haunted. What kind of half-retarded ghost would hang around inside a Jack bobble and do scary things like come out of drawers at night?

Item number 220220446453: Haunted Pencil *~-READ-~*


Well, if you're that adamant about it, I guess I kind of have to.

-Your probably thinking this is just one of those stupid items being sold on ebay again don`t you-

Yes. Yes, I very much do.

Well your wrong.

Oh. Sorry.

Ever since I moved into my new house I found this pencil. I thought nothing of it (besides its strange and weird scratches, cuts on it). So I just did what anyone else would do. Throw it in a pencil jar.

Ooh! Phantom tooth marks!

Well that is exactly what I didn`t want to do.

Now I'm hooked. This is some superb writing.

This pencil is possesed by something, like I can`t even describe it. The first time it started was like after a week, when I got all settled into my house. I had to write a letter to someone and just grabbed a pencil.

Let me guess, let me guess!

SOO My luck was that it had to be that one.

Booyah! I so called that one!

I was writing and it felt very funny, sorta like a tingly sensation that you get when you are being tickled, but it was in my hand and I just ignored it.

You shouldn't ignore the early warning signs of a heart attack. You should call 911 immediately.

Well I finished writing the letter and put it in the mail box and came back and noticed it was gone. I turned around and behind me the pencil was laying on a sheet of paper and the paper said "GO". Then I noticed that when I was holding it the pencil had a carving in it that said "GO".

He's just cheering you on.

I dropped the pencil in mid air and screamed.

Wait, I thought it was ont he table behind you. And does that mean it landed in midair, too? That's a sure sign of possession. I'm ready to believe you.

I tried to explain to my spouse what had happened. They didn`t believe me they thought I was just trying to fool them with some joke trying to scare them. Well I wasnt, the next day I woke up with a giant scrape down my arm and found the pencil laying next to my night stand.

Evil multiple spouses! Evil scratching pencils!

That was it, I couldnt handel it. So I went out and bought a little box with a lock on it. After I got the box I kept it in the kitchen and found the box ocasionally rattle itself with no one near. So I stuck it in my closet. About 1 month passed and I calmed whem I was spring cleaning, to find that box again. I thought of everything that I had went threw when I first moved in.

So you tossed it in the trash, right?

So I was being dumb and decided to open it.

You'd be the first to die in a slasher flick. You know that, right?

It looked normal but still had all the scratches and cuts and it still had engraved in it "GO".

Yes, pencils don't tend to heal themselves.

So I decided to try to write something with it, to see if anything would happen. AS I WAS WRITING THE PENCIL WROTE SOMETHING, this time it said "LEAVE NOW". I threw it back in the box an locked it up.

How can the pencil write if you're writing at the same time? I can see it taking over your hand and superceding what you were writing, but writing something as you are writing something with it at the same time? Preposterous.

Nowhere in this misspelled ramble do I notice "Oh yah and I took it out one moer time to take the picture for ebay."

Item number 160224338769: Mystery Haunted Graveyard Recording & Ghost Pictures CD


Look, there's a grave in the picture! This is some freaky shit! These people totally captured hard evidence on tape and CD and will sell it to you for only $.99 US. The best part is the almost-X-Files midi playing in the background, like a Geocities ghost page from 1996.

You are bidding on a CD containing a 30 minute recording of the sounds of a grave at midnight, on the cusp of Aquarius, in an old graveyard. The CD will also include high resolution pictures containing haunted images taken at the cemetery. None of these items has been altered in any way and would surely stand up to professional analysis.

I was gonna take it to a professional analyzer, but I don't know any, so I'm glad I have their word that these items would stand up to professional analysis anyway.

We knew of an great old graveyard in the middle of nowhere that would be perfect for our mission.

Ghost Hunter's axiom #247: The further from civilization it is, the more likely it is to be haunted.

When we got there, there was a strange feel about the place.

Thank you, Mr. Jedi.

Knowing that spirits can show up in pictures, we took plenty of the graveyard and woods. It was while taking the pictures of the woods that we experienced our first feeling of dread and danger.

"Armed with the [ahem] knowledge that scary things happen where we were, we proceeded to get scared."

Notice the figure watching from the tree line

I would if I could see one.

In the tree line bordering the back area of the graveyard, we found 2 mutilated animals. There was a goose, which was hanging by the neck between two trees, and a deer, who seems to have been stripped of its hind quarters.

Then where are the pictures of these creepy oddities?

We took pictures of them, but did not want to include them in this auction, although we would be happy to supply them to the winning bidder.

Of course.

Although we are strong and brave, we are also weary of the undead.

Yeah, I'm kinda weary of the undead myself. Too damn many zombie comic books these days.

We didn't want any zombies stealing the keys or using their ethereal powers to disable the vehicle while we were placing the tape recorders in the graveyard. We even made sure we brought a truck that had a snow plow (or zombie-catcher, as we called it that night) attached.

Somebody's been watching way too much John Romero.

Not wanting to be caught there by ghouls or police, we set up our recorders, took some more quick pictures of the grave, the yard and the woods, and we hurriedly left.

Ghouls, zombies, and police. The life of a ghost hunter is full of peril.

The next day we listened to the tapes in whole, and were very happy with the outcome of one, but a little disappointed in the quality of the other. It seems to have suffered some type of electrical interference early in the recording, and persists throughout the rest of the recording. You can still hear the sounds of the graveyard, just accompanied by a white noise type sound. The other tape was fine, no interference, and that is the one we are offering for auction. You can hear us placing the equipment, lighting the candle, walking away, and driving off...then silence, the silence of the dead.

So I would be purchasing a silent tape? That's a shitty deal.

There seems to be a series of well hidden symphonic sounds throughout the tape. Most of the sounds exist in the background noise of the tape, and can be heard when listening at a high volume with the bass turned up.

Them ghosts be bumpin'.

We can hear melodic rumbles, chanting, creaking, howling winds, and growling. At one point, in the first 10 minutes, there is a loud click, silence, and then the noise returns, as if someone (or something) interrupted the tape.

Fucking zombie ghoul police.

We don't know a whole lot about spiritual energy and ghostly orbs, but we definitely captured some strange phenomena with our cameras. These are authentic, un-doctored pictures. Any digital image expert can verify it.

Too bad it doesn't take Photoshop to be an idiot.

In one of the pictures we took in the daytime, we found what appears to be a figure watching us from the tree line. This is winter and the forest is easy to see into, and there was nothing in sight of the naked eye. If we had detected this specter when we were there in the daytime, we would have never returned at night.

Oh, that's not a spectre. That's just Bigfoot. He stopped by to see what all the ruckus was about and when he saw that it was just a couple more yahoos playing Ghostbusters in the old graveyard, he turned away in disgust and crept back into the woods, where he hides behind blurry objects.

From there its more lame pictures and a couple of orbs. I should note that there are many of this same auction, and they've been posted continually for at the very least the week since I first found them. Somebody's looking to make a killing here.

Item number 350043289648: ~HAUNTED/ CHARMED FULL MOON ROMANY MONEY POTION~ ***EMPOWERED & CRAFTED BY AN 83 YEAR OLD WITCH***

Would you really trust a witch of such an advanced age? She might have forgotten the eye of newt or something.

Sadly, I cannot get an image of this one. They are protected by the hosting service. Just click the link to see it in all its poo-in-a-jar glory.

~Imagine Discovering the Secrets of How to Create Unlimited Abundance, Wealth, Prosperity, Inner Peace, and Achieve Every Goal You Have Always Wanted!~

I imagine that daily.

THIS DELICATE BOTTLE OF POTION DOESN'T LOOK EXTRAODINARY,

No, it looks like poo in a jar.

BUT IT HAS BEEN RICHY BLESSED & CRAFTED BY THE HANDS OF A LOCAL WITCH IN ASHEVILLE, NC...

Oh, well that makes it better, then. It's witch poo.

SHE IS A DIRECT & PROUD ROMANY DESCENDANT & HAS PRACTICED HER MAGIK FOR DECADES.....

"Give me your tears, gypsy."

SANIA IS A VESSEL OF GOODNESS WHO RADIATES LIGHT & HONOR WITH EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES.....SHE TRANSLATES FUTURES, ASTROLOGY STONES, READ'S TEA LEAVES EVERY MORNING, CASTS BOUNDLESS SPELLS, & HAS BEEN BLESSED SEVERAL OTHER 'HONEST' TALENTS ..

I love how "honest" is in quotes.

SANIA IS NOT A GREEDY SOUL, SO THE STONES & POTIONS I LIST ARE A REAL DEAL...

Why would the gypsy lie to me?

This spell took alot of work...It is an ancient Romany money/wealth/inner peace/ etc spell....

If this shit worked, Gypsies wouldn't have been poverty-stricken itinerants for centuries.

This is how it works.....You simply set it in the window facing the sunset....This window should be clear of any other trinkets & should not have black drapes or any obstructions in front of it...That's it!

That's so simple! I'm sure glad that all I have to do is buy it from you!

If you dont have a window, you may set it in the other window..

Well, that's good to know.

~This is a priceless blessing~

A priceless blessing for only $23.33 US.

****The law states clearly that you must be at least 18 years of age to place a bid on metaphysical items & that these items are for entertainment purposes only. I am not responsible for anything that may, or may not, happen with the use of this object.

And...Scene.

Item number 190211610355: HAUNTED ADOPT A FAIRY BOY CRYSTAL ORB FAERIE PORTAL


So...When I die it'll bring me back with half my hearts, right?

FAIRY INFUSED INTO STUNNING LITTLE BLUE CRYSTAL GLASS ORB, THAT ACTS AS A PORTAL TO THE MAGICAL FAERIE REALMS

YOU ARE BIDDING ON THE BLUE CRYSTAL SPHERE INFUSED WITH A BABY BOY FAIRY

So is this like the happy, technicolor fae realm of Changeling: The Dreaming, where panda bears in blue fedoras drive taxis made of cheese? Or is it the Lovecraftian far realm of Changeling: The Lost, where horrible metaphysical entities abduct children to use in cruel, neverending games and machinations at once to subtle and too large for human comprehension? I'd really like to know which before I spend 6.99 GBP on one.

*NOTE.. only 1 Sphere Supplied, Pictures show the 3 available (see other auctions for the other 2):

*Leprechan, Green Crystal Sphere

*Fairy Baby Boy, Blue Crystal Sphere

*Fairy Baby Girl, Pink Crystal Sphere

Leprechan? The least you could do for the poor wee fellow after infusing him into a sphere is spell his name correctly.

The Fairy Garden in the corner of my garden attracts and is now inhabited by a great number of Faerie Folk.

Paging A. Conan Doyle!

These Fairies are such a magical inspiration, if you wish to adopt a fairy, have a good home and are gentle and kind, these Fey will show themselves to you.

"After I cram 'em into a marble first, though."

Blessed Be

Fucking Wiccans.

A coworker's brother dropped the cash on one of these for shits and giggles. He's going to follow the instructions to the letter. I hope to be able to report on it in the future. If it doesn't work for him, I wanna try.

Also, like the above ghost picture CD, there are a whole bunch of these that are regularly reposted. I love scams.

Item number 260226253487: Haunted Oriental Panda Plate

OK I dont believe in any of this haunting crap.. But this thing, has me questioning it!

"I don't believe in ghosts. It's just that I do!"

I got this at a yard sale a year ago while we were on our vacation in Maine... Within ONE DAY, things started happening that we cant explain.

Then it must be ghosts!

Water globes started falling off the shelves on my cabinet. Talking Simpsons toys (that only talk when you push the buttons) started talking on their own, and NOT saying waht they are supposed to say.

Oh, Bart, you're so incorrigible.

We decided to give it to my sister, who liked it and she gave it back to me within TWO DAYS. She told me doors were slamming, the heat would not come on in her house, (yes, with a FULL tank of oil) and her TV started coming on at 2:13 every morning!

Who heats their house with oil tanks?

My niece wanted to use an ouji board, but I was just too scared to even attempt that!

"Who will die next? ...It's moving! It's moving!"

"The...Panda. He'll die next."

"Why are these spirits so obsessed with pandas?"

We sent it to my brother in Arizona, (who has NO BELIEF in any of this stuff) and he sent it back in week! His wife said she was hearing voices and her TV WAS COMING ON AT 2:13 am every morning!

NO BELIEF! NONE!

I currently have this at a storage area (locally) and ironically NOTHING weird is happening!

That's not ironic! Given your story, that's exactly what you'd expect to happen.

If you are into being haunted, this item is for you!

Dude, I am totally into being haunted. It's so hot. And for only $50.00 US, I can totally be haunted.

Why didn't they just throw it out? Or break it? Why foist it off on all the relatives first? That must have cost a fortune in postage. Something's just not adding up here...

And, last but not least, we have...

Item number 120241142195: The BUTT BOX Heart Shaped Trinket Gift HAUNTED? GENIE?

I have always wanted to list something in the 'Weird Stuff' category, and since eBay was offering my chance to do it for only 1 cent, here it is:

This item is totally bizarre! Here at my house we call it the 'Butt Box' (I hope I am allowed to say that!). It is a lovely "heart shaped box" that is "skin" color (nice!).

I have no idea where this comes from. I have no idea what its original purpose was other than a trinket box or treasure box. It is just plain WEIRD -- but in a useful sort of way.

I want a butt box.

No stranger to bizarre things, my mother gave this to me. She found it at my grandmother's house after my grandmother passed. Strange things happen with this box. It often tumbles out of the cupboard when I am reaching for a glass. I also see bizarre reflections in it like a ghost or genie (Maybe this should go in the haunted items category).

Nah, I think you're okay.

I will put something nice inside this attractive "butt box" for the winning bidder (but you are bidding on the box only. And I can't guarantee that the ghost or genie won't escape during shipping -- wink!).

Finally, someone with a sense of humor.

Like all fine Butt Boxes, it is made of shiny, smooth, hard plastic.

Thank Christ. I can't fucking stand those cheap knock-off Butt Boxes made of spray-painted reconstituted sawdust.

After all, not everyone can say that they own a haunted butt box -- So now is your chance to buy one on eBay! ;-D

I do love transparency in my marketing ploys.

And that's all for today, folks. There's lots more weird, stupid shit in Ebay's "Psychic, Paranormal" section, so I'll probably be doing this again soon.