"The Obama Tidal Wave"

I don't usually get truly political here on the blog (unless it involves church/state issues) because it's not really why I started the blog in the first place. I'm not even sure how painfully obvious it is (unless one reads some of my oldest posts) how much I truly despise George Bush. I do. And today I got one of those lame-ass political e-mail forwards, from my dad of all people, who spent some time on the phone this morning trying to convince me to vote for Bush's heir apparent, John McCain.

It was so ridiculous I just had to put it up here. It is titled "The Obama Tidal Wave," and was written by a member of Billy Graham's staff.

We are witnessing a political phenomenon with Barack Obama of rare magnitude.

His speeches have inspired millions and yet most of his followers have no idea of what he stands for except platitudes of 'Change' or that he says he will be a 'Uniter'.

The power of speech from a charismatic person truly can be a powerful thing. Certainly Billy Graham had charisma and both his manner of speech and particularly the content changed millions.

This feels already like it was written by a half-literate teenager. The sentence structure is loose, ambiguous, and amateurish. "a political phenomenon with Barack Obama of rare magnitude?" That last prepositional phrase would flow much better earlier in the sentence.

On a different note, it implies that Obama is an empty, charismatic suit, devoid of content, convincing people by the power of his speaking alone, and then says that Billy fucking Graham, of all people, changed people with the content of his pointless, bullshit sermons.

I'll pause for a moment to let the irony sink in.

Okay, more vomit:

On the extreme other hand, the charisma of Adolph Hitler inspired millions and the results were catastrophic.

We haven't even got to the meat and potatoes of the article and already this toolshed has invoked Godwin. FAIL.

Barack Obama certainly is no Hitler or a Billy Graham,

Translation: "He's not really, evil, but he is kinda like Hitler.

but for many Americans out there feeling just like a surfer who might be ecstatic and euphoric while riding a tidal wave, the real story is what happens when it hits shore.

That's the lamest analogy I've heard in a long time.

Just Some of What Defines Barack Obama:

Ooh, do tell.

· He voted against banning partial birth abortion.

Don't care.

· He voted no on notifying parents of minors who get out-of-state abortions.

Don't care.

· Supports affirmative action in Colleges and Government.

What a shocker. You'd think he was an African-American Democrat or something.

· In 2001 he questioned harsh penalties for drug dealing.

Good. We need more influential politicians pointing out the idiotic, money-wasting folly of America's pointless and ineffective war on drugs.

· Says he will deal with street level drug dealing as minimum wage affair.

I don't even know what this means. Will he pay drug dealers minimum wage? What the fuck is this guy talking about?

· Admitted marijuana and cocaine use in high school and in college.

Firstly, good. Candor is appreciated, instead of ignorant, deluded attempts to cover up one's past mistakes. Everyone's got skeletons (except me, of course) and admitting them is part of owning yourself, of being a whole person, and of being honest.

Secondly, Bush was heavy into blow for years, and the fucking asswipe conservatives ignore it entirely. When Rush Limbaugh was caught illegally abusing prescription painkillers, they handwaved it away. Remember, kids, drugs are only bad when Democrats do them.

· His religious convictions are very murky.

No they're not. He's a Christian, and you're an idiot. Next.

· He is willing to meet with Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jung Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Yeah! Talking never accomplished anything! Imagine if St. Reagan, of honored memory, had talked to the Commies instead of just bombing them into the stone age! It would have been terrible!

· Has said that one of his first goals after being elected would be to have a conference with all Muslim nations

Muslim's don't even speak English. They just yell that "Lalalalala!" stuff and "Jihad!" and shit. It would be pointless to try to talk to them even if they could reason at the level of lower primates. Right?

· Opposed the Patriot Act.

I have no sarcasm for this one, merely honest gratitude that somebody in a position to run this country opposes that oppressive, intrusive, and unconstitutional piece of evil, evil legislation. Go Obama.

· First bill he signed that was passed was campaign finance reform.

I didn't know anyone was actually against that.

· Voted No on prohibiting law suits against gun manufacturers.

Not sure where I stand on this issue, but it's not like it makes him the fucking devil incarnate.

· Supports universal health-care.

It's going to happen eventually, people. Better get used to the idea.

· Voted yes on providing habeas corpus for Guantanamo detainees.

Because somehow it's wrong to extend basic human rights to other humans. It's quite simple, really: if somebody is going through the US legal system, they must be afforded the basic rights outlined for them in the Constitution. It doesn't matter where they came from. It matters what they're going through now.

· Supports granting driver's licenses to illegal immigrants.
· Supports extending welfare to illegal immigrants.

And now the racist "THEY TOOK OUR JORBS!" screed begins.

· Voted yes on comprehensive immigration reform.

I thought that was what republicans wanted.

· Voted yes on allowing illegal aliens to participate in Social Security.

Because it would somehow be a bad idea to have more people paying into that failing goatfuck.

· Wants to make the minimum wage a 'living wage'.

Now, I'm not the world's biggset supporter of wantonly raising the minimum wage, but wasn't that the point of the minimum wage in the first place?

· Voted with Democratic Party 96 percent of 251 votes.

So you're telling me he's a Democrat?

· Is a big believer in the separation of church and state.

And thank God for that.

· Opposed to any efforts to Privatize Social Security and instead supports increasing the amount of tax paid.

I don't care what the hell they do with SS so long as it can be put back on its feet. And that second statement is probably intentionally ambiguous. What tax does he support increasing? Social Security tax? Some other, unrelated tax? It's just an attempt to paint him as the straw-man "tax and spend Democrat," which as we all know is, for some reason, worse than a "borrow and spend" Republican.

· He voted No on repealing the Alternative Minimum Tax.
· He voted No on repealing the 'Death' Tax.
· He wants to raise the Capital Gains Tax.

Oh, no! He is smart enough to realize that a government with as much debt as ours can't afford to cut taxes willy-nilly in an effort to please a greedy, ignorant electorate!

· Has repeatedly said the surge in Iraq has not succeeded....

Maybe that's because it hasn't. That's hardly even debatable. This bulletpoint is trying to make Obama look bad for not parroting the obviously false party line of the GOP.

· He is ranked as the most liberal Senator in the Senate today and that takes some doing.

This I register as simply a flat-out lie. Who does this ranking? What are their standards? How is Obama ranked "more liberal" than, say, Dennis Kucinich in any way?

If your political choices are consistent with Barack Obama's and you think that his positions will bring America together or make it a better place, then you will probably enjoy the ride and not forward this Email.

No, I'll just ridicule it on my blog.

If you are like most Americans that after examining what he stands for, are truly not in line with his record,

So if you're not 100% in line with Obama's opinions, you must perforce vote for McCain. Makes sense to me!

it would be prudent to get off the wave or better yet, never get on, before it comes on shore and undermines the very foundations of this great Country

You, sir, know nothing about the "foundations of this great Country." Love the extraneous capital "C," by the way. It's so eighteenth century.

We have limited time to save America or the Supreme Court as we know it.

The America you "know" is greedy, uneducated, fearful of even the most necessary change, insular, bigoted, afraid of anyone or anything that isn't white, male, and Christian, knows nothing of its own civic structure or history much less anything about the rest of the world, and would gladly shoot first and ask questions later regardless of the situtation. It is violent, base, barbaric, and selfish. It makes a virtue of arrogant ignorance.

This is the America you'd like to protect?

I hope with all my hoping-parts that you fail, and die in a fire. Please.