Monday eBay: Attack of the Malevolent Spirits

Today on Monday eBay, we are back again to ghosts. I don't know why, but ghost-related items seem to be one of the more popular categories of nonsense polluting good ol' eBay. Today, I've found a pair of items involving evil spirits: one for summoning them, and one for sending them away.

Under the search term "Poltergeist," I found...

Item Number 110340734290: Curse Them With a Poltergeist- extreme revenge for you!


That isn't actually the picture that went with the auction, but I've decided against using more of those after getting a DMCA notification from our old eBay pal Moonstar7spirits. Google, being bitches, immediately folded (as is their policy with DMCA notifications) and removed the pictures named in the complaint (a complaint that is, as far as I can tell from searching the database, actually nonexistent). I have neither the energy nor the inclination to fight this one, since I have no money for a lawyer and I'm not sure I have a fair use claim anyway, and to avoid further issues and the possible shutdown of the blog, I've decided to use other pictures. If you want to see what goes with the auction, just visit it with the link.

Fucking DMCA.

So, anyway, this item is less an item and more a service: you're paying the seller to inflict a poltergeist on a person of your choosing. Our seller, rayss00, sounds like kind of a dick.

The Ultimate Revenge- a Poltergeist

I don't know that I agree with that assessment. Sometimes the ultimate revenge is as simple as pissing in their Mountain Dew. Sometimes it's as complex as seducing and fucking their wife. I don't think that one can really claim that a poltergeist is an all-purpose revenge for all seasons.

To exact the ultimate in revenge, I now offer a conjured poltergeist! If you really want to get the best of someone, ruin their life and health, scare them to death, this is the listing for you!

So he is actually claiming to be selling an item that will, intentionally and necessarily, ruin, injure, and kill someone. Gotcha. Who needs Terms and Conditions?

I will conjure a real poltergeist and you will have the ability to send it their way, very simple and safe for you!

"No, poltergeist, you shouldn't have taken that left turn at Albuquerque."

Poltergeists are spirits that move objects and make alot of noise, they have the ability to physically manipulate their surroundings. To those that don't understand this the poltergeist is deeply feared!

To those that do understand, the poltergeist is deeply annoying. "Stop fucking with my laundry, goddammit!"

I conjure and bind based on what you tell me about your revenge situation. Then I send you a vessel and a set of easy instructions that send the poltergeist to the person you hate the most.

So it's a custom-built poltergeist? Maybe it can do the Dew-pissing for you. In that case, it might be the ultimate revenge after all.

You are completely safe and free of harm.

Unless, upon deep self-reflection, you realize that you are the person you hate the most.

This will not harm the person, it will not kill them, they will suffer great fear and pain and feel terrible for their bad deeds.

So what about the part where you said "f you really want to get the best of someone, ruin their life and health, scare them to death, this is the listing for you?" I guess that was just hyperbole.

You will of course be guilt free!

This needs a footnote that reads "*If you are a sociopath."

This can also be used for collectors of entities, as true poltergeists are difficult to bind and this should only performed by experts such as myself.

Do entity collectors have conventions? Swap meets? "I'll trade you half-a-dozen djinn and a fallen seraph for that expertly-bound poltergeist." "Throw in a couple of spider vampires and you've got yourself a deal!"

For a unique item and a scary spirit, consider this poltergeist!

I dunno. I'd rather have a Nearly Headless Nick. Can you get one of those?

I am Master Freland, dark arts expert and conjureman.

When I read that, this is what I think:

Hi. I'm Homestar Runner, expert conjureman. I'm also a licensed spellman and enchantman. Nobody has it better than me, right Pom-Pom?"

Trust me for all your dark magick desires!

"For I live in a basement, where it is always dark and full of foul stenches generated by the spirits, no matter what my mother tells you."

Directions will come with this vessel and complete assistance in releasing it.

"1. Open vessel.
2. Realize nothing is happening
3. Sigh in resignation"

I can bind to a ring or to a stone, your choice.

Wow, I get a choice! Which is gothier? You know what? I'll do the stone, because then when no ghost shows up, I can at least bean someone with it.

You are purchasing an authentic entity, a vessel, and instructions for use.

It should come with a number and certificate of authentication, like those Doogie Howser MD commemorative plates I bought when I was really sleep-deprived in 2007.

Our second item today is the polar opposite:

Item Number 350206002087: LARGE CANDLE Remove Hauntings Ghosts Evil Entities Home

LARGE CANDLE

9 inches tall, 9 inches around.

Bow chica bow wow.

Multi blessed to serve you

Oh, it'll serve me, all right.

White "Light, Protection, Aura Cleansing, Blessings, Healing"

"Anal penetration."

Only one large one available!

That's what I told your mother last night, Trebeck.

Can be used after midnight when carried through the home, or used at any hour or day to bless and cleanse the home, sending away negative energy and unwelcome Spirits.

Just don't feed it after midnight.

It will replace the home and space with love and light, protective energy, comfort and peace to all within.

Great, except I still owe on that home, and I don't think my insurance covers "Replacement with love and light."

It will not effect or cause any discomfort to welcome Spirits, energy beings or metaphysical beings that you keep.. only that which is unwelcome.

I love how convenient these things always are. "It will only do exactly what you want it to do, no matter what that is."

My family having lived with Spirits and hauntings for over fourty years understand how difficult it may be at times.

Yeah. Ghosts are like spoiled children. Ghosts: can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, cause they're already dead.

Not all Spirits are friendly or helpful, there are evil and dangerous entities that can find their way into our lives or have taken refuge in a home or belongings without being invited.

Sometimes they're sent by an expert conjureman!

When they make their existence obvious in harmful and disturbing manners it is time to make them leave...

What I want is a ghostswatter. It's like a flyswatter, except spiritual.

Take back your home, and your life so you can be at peace and comfort once again...

"Living in a space replaced by light, love, and protective energy."

Our paranormal, spirit candles are charged with over 200 spells to guard, protect and strengthen your home, family and self,

Someone spent a lot of XP creating this magic item.

Hex removal, banish negative energies, evil entity/ghost eviction spells, Spirit message spells-that let them know you do not want them around and do not want to be contacted any longer by them,

So like a ghost restraining order.

vision, hearing cleanse spells to keep innocent eyes/ears from seeing/hearing them,

It's one thing to banish the ghosts, but to just block your children from seeing them? Isn't that a bit unethical?

Not as unethical, though, as sending a poltergeist to torment and kill someone.

home cleansing spells, shielding spells, filtering spells-keeps evil from entering your home and only lets light and love in...

But what if I want evil in there sometimes? Like when Buffy and Spike were friends?

When you know they are there, end the discomfort and havoc..

Suddenly this sounds like hemorrhoid cream.

Shadow entities are free will and will make their choices based on their own likes and dislikes.. They are the most comman Spirit nuisance. They can range from slight mischievous to complete havoc.

They are free will? Boy, a lot of philosophers sure are going to be surprised.

Light the candle after midnight, walk through your home allowing the flame's light to fall.. *carry a flame source and relight when it blows out* DO NOT let this detour you from your work....

Because I know I have to leave the room to light up my Zippo.

Carry the candle through the entire home and end where you began.. tell the home you are cleansing it and that the spirits are being sent away without harm...

So apparently "If these walls had ears," they'd hear you droning on about politely asking ghosts to leave.

When you have reached the starting area, blow out your candle.. You will feel the negative energy drain from your body and your home..

No, that's just because you forgot to pay your electric bill again, so they turned your power off. Good thing you're holding a candle!

Repeat this process once a day until the hauntings have ceased
*takes about a week to remove all spirit flow*

So ghosts are like menstruation.

Because this is the largest Spirit candle size, it can be placed in the home and burned to banish negative, the energy will spread throug the home with no need to always carry it. Burn anytime of the day, for about an hour.

Again with the convenience. "No work is necessary and it works anyway!"

This candle is safe to be used by anyone, even those who do not understand the paranormal...

"Even infants, dogs, and retards..."

there is no bad karma, harm or negatives that will come of the use.. you will be safe before, during and after using...

"Unless you drop it and burn your house down, in which case we cannot be held responsible..."

That about does it for this week. Tune in next Monday when we reach again into the grabbag of eBay and see what bites. Maybe there will be aliens!