Tuesday Monday eBay: Only the Gods Are Real

I welcome thee, O Friends, to this day's late Monday eBay excursion! Today, we journey across the rainbow bridge Bifröst into the realm of Asgard, dwelling-place of Odin Allfather, Asa-Thor, and the sly god Loki. There we will partake of meat and mead and see the wonders presented to us from many a wootastic eBay merchant.

See, today I ran my search for both "Odin" and "Thor," and came up with some fun stuff. Our first sale:

Item number 130301985160: COMMAND the POWERS of THE NORSE GOD THOR!! HAUNTED RING
ANCIENT EXTREME WEALTH & POWER MAGIC CONTROL YOUR REALM

I want to command the powers of the Norse god Thor! I want to hurl lightning bolts and beat the hell of things with my hammer! Let's see what the merchant has to offer...

I am honored to offer you a Most Magnificent Magic Ring!

I certainly hope you didn't steal it from a dwarf. That would be nothing but trouble. It would all end in tears.

This Ring was blessed by The Norse God Thor!

I bet a "blessing" from Thor is an interesting thing to watch. Christ had the laying-on of hands, Thor had the laying-on of Mjolnir.

Thor is the Mighty God of Thunder and a Norse God of the Highest Aesir Level!

Unfortunately, the Æsir haven't bought the Epic Level Handbook yet, so that's only 20th level. The Jötnar have one, but they aren't sharing.

His Powers will Protect you from Mortal or Metaphysical Foes who would harm you by act, word, or deed!

What's a metaphysical foe? Were Aristotle and Plato metaphysical foes? Or is it like being attacked by an unobserved entity that doesn't actually exist until it kills you?

Place this ring on your altar, or hang it in your home, and all who enter will come under his Protection!

Here's an idea: why don't I wear it on my fucking finger?

The Ring is Infused with Thor’s Extraordinary Energy!

So it will electrocute me?

Wear it on your finger or a chain and Thor will Protect you from despair, worry and fear!

How is this the secondary recommendation? "Hey, I'm gonna sell you this hat! It's amazing! If you put it on top of a balloon, it makes the balloon kind of look like a person! Or I suppose you could wear it, if you really wanted to."

With Thor by your side you will Prosper Financially!

Wait, what?

Your Courage and sense of Adventure will Soar! You will fear Nothing and None!

Okay, that's more like it.

This is a very heavy, very old, and very Powerful Ring! It is solid Sterling Silver, 1 1/8" x 3/4", size 10.75, and weighs a heavy 27.3 grams! It features three, 5 point stars in the band. It is set with a Magic Fire Agate Gemstone of constantly Changing Luminous Colors and Flash!

Ahh, sterling silver. First choice of all magical ringsmiths for the ease with which it can be imbued with Changing Luminous Colors and Flash.

Its Powers are Tremendous! The Ring shows signs of wear over the many years but is still an Exquisite piece of Excellent Quality and Extraordinary Energy!

So it's a used Thor ring. Why, I wonder, would the previous owners have dumped it, if it's so damn useful?

This was one of my Mentor Damen’s most valued Treasures!

I have a shoe I stole from a Big Brother/Big Sister. I wonder if I can sell that on eBay.

He passed it to me on our last visit together, and I have rarely taken it off!

I hear soap works for that.

The God Thor’s Energy is Undeniable!

I might be tempted to agree or disagree if that sentence made any sense.

People will be Amazed at your Transformation and Confidence!

"Gee, Bill, you've been walking taller lately. What's your secret? Wait, no, let me guess. Enzyte? No, couldn't be. That stuff doesn't work. Wait...Did you buy a magical ring that grants you the powers of Thor? I knew it!"

They will marvel at your sudden "Good Luck" and embodiment of Strength!

"Good Luck" in quotes would tend to imply the exact opposite. So really what's being said here is "Wear this ring and you will be hit by a bus."

Pertaining to the financial success condition, though, your subsequent lawsuit will presumably be very lucrative.

It will focus your own Mental and Metaphysical Powers Exponentially!

But what if my powers are only at power level 1?

You will be Astounded at your own Strength and Abilities!

Shit, I already am.

With this Ring you will have the Power to Conquer the World and Manifest all you Desire and Deserve!

Oh, Jesus. You did steal it from a dwarf. Haven't we learned anything from epic German opera?

This is an Extraordinarily Rare opportunity to carry Thor’s Blessings and Protection! Prepare to be to have your life touched by the Gods!

Stuff like that usually ends poorly for mortals. See Odysseus, Achilles, Danaë, Sigmund, Sigurd, etc.

Oh, lord, this next part is inane.

My Story

Many Years Ago....

the ice broke and my family found their way across the water in a small vessel. They settled miles beyond the nearest village and lived in near solitude for years. My sister and brother were born before me. I was born in December at the onset of the nine year winter.

What, did you live in Westeros or something?

Each year the ice broke later and later.

Why would the ice have broken at all if the winter lasted nine years straight?

My family nearly starved. My father attempted to lengthen the fishing season by navigating the dangerous waters.

The dangerous ices, you mean.

In November of the ninth year, he never returned from the sea. We knew the ice and water had claimed him. Nearly a month passed before my mother and elder brother prepared to move the family to live in the nearest village.

Why didn't you do that before dad died?

The four of us set out in the morning, by noon the weather changed and the temperature dropped. As the ice storm began I could see the fear in my mother's eyes. Within an hour, we had lost our way. We huddled under a tree hoping the storm would pass. The three held me in the center to stay warm. The next day, I woke to the sun to find my mother, sister and brother frozen to death.

You killed them. It's all your fault.

I sat for an hour or more crying in the snow before a large man on a huge horse appeared. He dismounted and picked me up. He carried me to them and told me to say goodbye. I cried as he put me on the horse. He told me I would be special, but said nothing more as we rode all day and into the night.

Was there a sign on the horse that said "Free candy?"

I fell asleep as darkness became blackness.

This sounds like something Rick James would say about Charlie Murphy.

Damen spoke softly when I woke that morning on the horse. He said I would be known as Gallan The Norse Warlock and would apprentice with him until I was ready to be on my own.

What are you, like 300 years old?

I would spend the next twelve years with Damen, most of the time in that small house.

Home-school warlocks are so damn pompous, and they don't have any social skills.

After I finished my apprenticeship, I returned many times to seek Damen's advice. Each time I departed wiser and more powerful.

So you were doing work-study?

Early on, it was one escapade and conquest after another. I have lived at the four corners of the world. I have collected treasures, achieved immense power, and enjoyed friendship of many. My time has come, and my manifestations are spent. During this lifetime, I must cast out all my treasure before my day of reckoning.

Oh, I get it. It's just a lame newage reincarnation sales-pitch thing. "These are all real and ancient, but this is my last go-round, so I have to sell it!"

He then goes on about his magical items and provides us with a copy-paste of the initial spiel about Thor's ring. This guy's a hoot. He might be worth watching in the future...

Item number180365054467: Viking Magic Rune Box Attract the Power and Wisdom Odin

VIKING MAGIC

ODIN RUNE BOX

I always wondered where Odin kept his runes.

IF YOU WANT A HEALTHEIR, HAPPIER RICHER LIFE

YOU MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

YOU MUST TAKE ACTION!

I am! I started working out and went back to college!

Oh, wait, you mean something that doesn't actually require work or a time commitment. Natch.

THE INERTIA MUST BE BROKEN OTHERWISE

IT WILL BE SAME O' SAME O'

I hate Same O's. They've got to be the blandest breakfast cereal on the market.

ATTRACT THE POWER, WISDOM

AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE RUNES OF ODIN,

THE ALL-FATHER.

I will attract them with the power of Wikipedia.

Oh wait. You're talking about magic again.

USE VIKING MAGIC TO ATTRACT HEALTH, WEALTH, HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS!

Can I call 'em, or can I call 'em?

UNIVERSAL ENERGY


Power, Wisdom, Knowledge of the Runes, Victory, Success and Happiness exist as energies flowing freely in the Universe.

This isn't Odin; it's Plato.

The new paradigm of the Laws of Quantum Physics tell us that everything that is, was or ever will be exists in the infinite ocean of thinking energy called the Quantum Ocean.

I can't say I've ever heard that one before. Remind me to Google "Quantum Ocean" and see what turns up.

You only need a LITTLE MAGIC to attract these energies into your life. The Magic is called Resonant Frequencies.

Like good vibes?

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

Since Odin, the All-Father is the God of Power, Wisdom, Runes, Victory and Success, all you need to do is to Magically Align yourself with HIM.

His energies will automatically flow into you.

Wow. It's like a really lame Germanic version of The Secret.

THE ODIN MAGICAL RUNE BOX is the Matrix, the Operating Filed, the Working Area, where this exchange of energies will take place.

Wow. It's like a really lame Germanic cyberpunk version of The Secret.

Use Odin's Magical Rune Box to change your life

and solve your problems.

"Yes! Don't work! Just buy shit from me!"

ATTRACT POWER, WISDOM, VICTORY AND SUCCESS

AS WELL AS HEALTH, WEALTH AND HAPPINESS!

"ALL GOOD THINGS!"

QUANTUM PHYSICS


The Universe is teeming with Life Force (Prana, Galama, Chi, Ond, etc) which created everything around us. Even our Gods and Goddesses. Modern scientists are just now starting to understand what our Ancestors knew about Energy and Life Force. They now call it Quantum Physics. Our Ancestors called it the Mind of God the Grand Architect of the Universe. Modern Scientists say it is a Quantum Ocean of Energy.

Okay, now I'm totally lost. What religion are we talking about again?

Why does woo just mix and match whatever sounds good?

HOW THE ODIN MAGICAL RUNE BOX WORKS:

USE THE ODIN BOX TO ATTRACT


HEALTH

WEALTH

SUCCESS

POWER

Yes, I know. You've said that like a million times.

This beautifully hand painted wood box (one of a kind painted by Valkyrie Lory Martin) is the Matrix; the working field where the Energy exchange from the Universe (Quantum Ocean/Mind of God) to you will take place.

Is there a blue pill on it?

You will receive a set of Runes that you can cut out and place into the Rune Box.

So that's a no, then.

You supply the Target (photo, hair, blood or signature) where you want the Energy to flow)

Wait, so now it's voodoo?

Place the Rune or Runes you wish to use inside of the Rune Box with your photo, the small orgone ond generator and the Magic begins

Orgone! He said orgone! He's really getting obscure now.

Runes are Ancient Symbols (keys) that harness the Cosmic Energies of Creation.

Citation needed.

100% MONEY BACK GUARANTEE IF YOU ARE NOT

COMPLETELY HAPPY!

Well, I'm never completely happy, so perhaps I should buy this just so I can return it.

Searching for mythological deities was fun. Maybe next week I'll try Zeus.